Mississippi Methodist Rehabilitation Hospital is one of the best rehabs in the south for spinal cord injuries and I was there...for a minute. Apparently, since I didn't have insurance, they didn't think that was the place for me...until my Aunt Ina put up a LARGE sum of money and my mom and dad put up their property as my "insurance". We all quickly agreed that I needed to be in Louisiana where Medicaid would pay for my rehab, and so, I was airlifted to Northeast Louisiana Rehab Center in Ruston, LA. I'm not positive, but I think I was only their second or third spinal cord injury! Oh well, it turned into a wonderful experience.
The flight to Ruston from Jackson felt like it was from Miami to Seattle. Pain? Oh my word...I was hurting so bad. I was lying on a cot that felt every bit as wide as a 2X4, my arm was in a cast that weighed 30 pounds, and a neck brace that was a foot wide! And...NO PAIN MEDICATION! That was horrific. My precious, precious Mother rode in the helicopter with me and she held my arm up from Jackson to Ruston! No big deal? Well, my mother had had radical surgery in 1985 and does not have a trapezius muscle (among other things). She was in as much pain as I was probably, but that is a mother for you.
My husband and Gabi were still in the hospital in Monroe and I remember the paramedics telling me that we were flying over Monroe. For an instant, I remember thinking, "I want to see my family." I needed to lay eyes on them and see that they were alright, but they did not need to see me. God spared them seeing their mom in such agony! Ches had been discharged and was staying with my dad's brothers and sisters. My dad was staying with Gabi and my husband; just being there for support if nothing else. He came to see me twice while I was in Jackson. The rest of the time he was in Monroe with Gabi until they released her. I am so very thankful for my family. My dad, aunts, and uncles took turns keeping Ches and Gabi while Teddy and I were in the hospital. They were and are a tremendous support system to us.
When we finally arrived in Ruston, the doctor gave me a shot of Valium! Hallelujah! The paramedics on the helicopter with me had called ahead and told them how much pain I was in and the doctor was armed and ready for me! Can you believe they heard me moaning over the whrrr of the helicopter!!! I rested, really rested for the first time that night. I am sure that my mother collapsed as well! The first weekend in Ruston is sketchy for me, because they were very generous to keep me out of pain for a while.
My first helicopter ride took me to a place to get stabilized and my second flight was to take me to a place to grow. Yes..rehab, but I had no idea that my heart and soul were going to be in rehab, as well. I was in Ruston for four months and God "airlifted" my spirit in those four months like I never could have imagined. The real flight was about to begin.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Uncovered
Spiritually and physically speaking, that day in that hospital room, I was healed! I believe that sincerely. Spiritually, God uncovered my sin and I realized that I couldn't do "life" without Him! Not just my sin though...it was everything that this life throws at you. God wants us to completely rely on Him because we want to. That song by Cheap Trick "I Want You to Want Me", comes to mind when I think of how God wants our relationship with Him to be. I was lying there in that hospital bed, and for the first time I felt the freest I ever have! I understood for the first time just how helpless I was without him! But, as my mother continued reading the card my brother sent, Philippians 4:13 made me realize that ONLY with Christ would I be able to say "I can do all things" and in whatever state I'm in. Paul said it best. He knew what it was like to be on top of the "world" AND scraping the bottom of the barrel, but it did not matter what state he was in. He knew that it was ONLY with Christ that he could endure "life." Paul was in prison for much of his Christian life, but he was freer than the guards that were stationed to keep watch over him! That's precisely how I felt that day! I was captive in a body that wouldn't move, but I was FREE! I was dancing in my spirit, and still do.
After mother finished reading my card to me, the first person I called was my MawMaw (southern for Grandmother). She was my spiritual giant! She and my PawPaw (yep, you guessed it...southern for Grandfather)were the ones that saw to it that I was in church as a child. They instilled in me principle's that I didn't recognize until I became an adult, but their investment in me when I was a child has meant a "world" of difference. When I spoke to Mawmaw, I told her that I had been healed and that I wanted our pastor to call me because I wanted to share it with him, as well. Can you say "dead air?" I was so excited to tell both of them that I had been healed and both of their responses threw me for a loop. Silence. "Hello? Did you hear me? I'm healed!" The old saying that silence is golden...not so much. I expected excitement! Over joyous, "Praise the Lord!" or something! When they did finally respond, which was after my explanation, they were happy. I suppose it was one of those moments that "you just have to be there" for you to really be able to "get it." They were both very happy for me, but they hadn't experienced the freedom that I had just experienced only moments before.
I wish I could say that my years "walking" with my Lord have all been a cake walk, but I can't. I've even gone so far as to reshackle myself! But a promise that I cling to is that God is faithful, even when I'm not. What that means is that He ever changes, so I don't have to guess at His whereabouts, or how He will treat me when I come crawling back on my knees. Oh, and did I mention that He loves you so much that He will do whatever it takes to get your attention? Well, He does that for me, and I am able to take the shackles of guilt and regret back off, because His arms never close! He's always waiting! It is His desire to uncover and expose your sin and weaknesses so that He can cover them with His blood and bring you into total recovery!
After mother finished reading my card to me, the first person I called was my MawMaw (southern for Grandmother). She was my spiritual giant! She and my PawPaw (yep, you guessed it...southern for Grandfather)were the ones that saw to it that I was in church as a child. They instilled in me principle's that I didn't recognize until I became an adult, but their investment in me when I was a child has meant a "world" of difference. When I spoke to Mawmaw, I told her that I had been healed and that I wanted our pastor to call me because I wanted to share it with him, as well. Can you say "dead air?" I was so excited to tell both of them that I had been healed and both of their responses threw me for a loop. Silence. "Hello? Did you hear me? I'm healed!" The old saying that silence is golden...not so much. I expected excitement! Over joyous, "Praise the Lord!" or something! When they did finally respond, which was after my explanation, they were happy. I suppose it was one of those moments that "you just have to be there" for you to really be able to "get it." They were both very happy for me, but they hadn't experienced the freedom that I had just experienced only moments before.
I wish I could say that my years "walking" with my Lord have all been a cake walk, but I can't. I've even gone so far as to reshackle myself! But a promise that I cling to is that God is faithful, even when I'm not. What that means is that He ever changes, so I don't have to guess at His whereabouts, or how He will treat me when I come crawling back on my knees. Oh, and did I mention that He loves you so much that He will do whatever it takes to get your attention? Well, He does that for me, and I am able to take the shackles of guilt and regret back off, because His arms never close! He's always waiting! It is His desire to uncover and expose your sin and weaknesses so that He can cover them with His blood and bring you into total recovery!
Friday, February 12, 2010
Chapter 3 "Whatever It Takes Lord"
The road to April 8, 1993, actually started on Sunday March 14, 1993. My marriage was in trouble at the time and our definition of "fixing" our problems was to "get back into church." Isn't that just like us humans to think that we can "go" somewhere to fix a problem that does not exist in the natural realm. The only place we really need to go to is our knees and stay there until we "limp." I was guilty of it then and I'm guilty of it to this day. Maybe not as juvenile as I once was, but guilty nonetheless.
So, the story is, we started back to church! That's southern for attending church services. Either way you say it, it is sterile. No room for real growth in just going back to church. But wait! Don't let me lose you just yet! No, going back to church never "fixed" my marriage (we divorced ten years later), but it did plant a seed that began growing that very Sunday!
My pastor preached a sermon from John 21:15-17. Jesus asks Peter three times about his love for Him. The first two times, Jesus asks Peter if he agapao Him and Peter responded that he phileo Him. The third time Jesus asked Peter if he phileo Him and Peter responded that Jesus knew all things and that yes he phileo Him. Jesus knew the state of Peter's heart and he knows the state of ours. My pastor asked the congregation three times if we loved the Lord. By the third time, my pious self was wondering, too. He challenged us to pray everyday that God teach us how to truly love Him. We needed to desire to be taught how to love Him enough to say. "Whatever it takes Lord, teach me to truly love You."
Well, I mentioned before that we were commuting to Monroe from Oak Grove for school and work and that's when I read my Bible and prayed. I began that Sunday night asking God to teach me how to truly love Him. I prayed that everyday and I meant it. I said, "Whatever it takes!". God knew Peter's heart and He knows mine, too. My heart suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder! He knew what it would take to slow me down and get my focus. Some of us are a little more ADHD than others, but all of His children have it. If you are that child that is running to and fro without direction...well, let's just say...He will get your attention one way or another. He does that BECAUSE He loves us, not to punish us. I know that my life would never have been as fulfilling as it is had He not answered my prayer for help. He has taught me many, many things about His love for me and my ability to love Him. So, as it were, I am sitting in my "Whatever it takes."
So, the story is, we started back to church! That's southern for attending church services. Either way you say it, it is sterile. No room for real growth in just going back to church. But wait! Don't let me lose you just yet! No, going back to church never "fixed" my marriage (we divorced ten years later), but it did plant a seed that began growing that very Sunday!
My pastor preached a sermon from John 21:15-17. Jesus asks Peter three times about his love for Him. The first two times, Jesus asks Peter if he agapao Him and Peter responded that he phileo Him. The third time Jesus asked Peter if he phileo Him and Peter responded that Jesus knew all things and that yes he phileo Him. Jesus knew the state of Peter's heart and he knows the state of ours. My pastor asked the congregation three times if we loved the Lord. By the third time, my pious self was wondering, too. He challenged us to pray everyday that God teach us how to truly love Him. We needed to desire to be taught how to love Him enough to say. "Whatever it takes Lord, teach me to truly love You."
Well, I mentioned before that we were commuting to Monroe from Oak Grove for school and work and that's when I read my Bible and prayed. I began that Sunday night asking God to teach me how to truly love Him. I prayed that everyday and I meant it. I said, "Whatever it takes!". God knew Peter's heart and He knows mine, too. My heart suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder! He knew what it would take to slow me down and get my focus. Some of us are a little more ADHD than others, but all of His children have it. If you are that child that is running to and fro without direction...well, let's just say...He will get your attention one way or another. He does that BECAUSE He loves us, not to punish us. I know that my life would never have been as fulfilling as it is had He not answered my prayer for help. He has taught me many, many things about His love for me and my ability to love Him. So, as it were, I am sitting in my "Whatever it takes."
Chapter 2 The Switch Was Flipped "On"
The next three or four days was riddled with fever, pain, family, friends, visitors, and a new way of life. Initially, the most disturbing problem was fever. When people see someone in a wheelchair, the most obvious observation is "They can't walk!", but that is really the least of the difficulties, I learned quickly. Bowel management, bladder management, and a host of other things the spinal cord regulates becomes the most urgent problems.
The next week I was treated for an infection because my temperature would not go down and since my temp wouldn't go down, they wouldn't move me to the rehab hospital attached to University hospital. I had the doctors reeling as to where the infection must be. After days of antibiotics and me burning up, we discovered my thermostat in the room was broken and the room temperature was staying up causing my temp to stay up. Apparently, the spinal cord regulates your body's temperature control and ability to sweat, so since the room was hot...so was I. I begged and pleaded to be moved and FINALLY, after blood, "sweat", and tears, they did! That was April the 8th.
April the 8th is not only my dad's birthday, but a birthday of sorts for me, as well. I was lying in the rehab hospital room moving nothing more than my eyes. I wasn't moving them much, because of a migraine, but I was thankful to be in the rehab so I could "start walking"! It had not totally set in just how severe the injury to my cord had been.
Over the course of that week, I received so many cards and letters with words of encouragement. By this time, my brother Kevin, had returned to Raleigh, NC and was sending his own cards and words of encouragement. He and his then fiance, Marsha (now his wife), sent me a card that God used to turn the "lights on" for me. The two scriptures that I experienced as flesh and blood that day were Isaiah 40:31 and Philippians 4:13. You know John 1:14 says that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. I believe that those two scriptures were just that tangible that day. Everything changed at 2:30 in the afternoon on April 8, 1993. Everything! You see, when I was 15 years old, I come to know who God was through Jesus Christ, but April 8, 1993, I come to KNOW Whose I was. There is a difference. I was healed that day from a severed spinal cord, sure, but more importantly, God became intimate to me. I knew Him. I became my Beloved's. I was secure for the first time in my life.
I was saved by grace when I was young, but had never really "walked" in the power of The Resurrected God. I received something that day that has never been too far from me since, and that is His power. Have I had my share of weaknesses? Oh yeah! Have I struggled with things I said I would NEVER struggle with again? Ah, yeah! But do I still have that same power available to me? Definitely! And I can say, that the prayers that were lifted up for me and my family during those so very dark days, illuminated a new way to live life...in the Light!
The next week I was treated for an infection because my temperature would not go down and since my temp wouldn't go down, they wouldn't move me to the rehab hospital attached to University hospital. I had the doctors reeling as to where the infection must be. After days of antibiotics and me burning up, we discovered my thermostat in the room was broken and the room temperature was staying up causing my temp to stay up. Apparently, the spinal cord regulates your body's temperature control and ability to sweat, so since the room was hot...so was I. I begged and pleaded to be moved and FINALLY, after blood, "sweat", and tears, they did! That was April the 8th.
April the 8th is not only my dad's birthday, but a birthday of sorts for me, as well. I was lying in the rehab hospital room moving nothing more than my eyes. I wasn't moving them much, because of a migraine, but I was thankful to be in the rehab so I could "start walking"! It had not totally set in just how severe the injury to my cord had been.
Over the course of that week, I received so many cards and letters with words of encouragement. By this time, my brother Kevin, had returned to Raleigh, NC and was sending his own cards and words of encouragement. He and his then fiance, Marsha (now his wife), sent me a card that God used to turn the "lights on" for me. The two scriptures that I experienced as flesh and blood that day were Isaiah 40:31 and Philippians 4:13. You know John 1:14 says that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. I believe that those two scriptures were just that tangible that day. Everything changed at 2:30 in the afternoon on April 8, 1993. Everything! You see, when I was 15 years old, I come to know who God was through Jesus Christ, but April 8, 1993, I come to KNOW Whose I was. There is a difference. I was healed that day from a severed spinal cord, sure, but more importantly, God became intimate to me. I knew Him. I became my Beloved's. I was secure for the first time in my life.
I was saved by grace when I was young, but had never really "walked" in the power of The Resurrected God. I received something that day that has never been too far from me since, and that is His power. Have I had my share of weaknesses? Oh yeah! Have I struggled with things I said I would NEVER struggle with again? Ah, yeah! But do I still have that same power available to me? Definitely! And I can say, that the prayers that were lifted up for me and my family during those so very dark days, illuminated a new way to live life...in the Light!
Fully Aware
The ride to the hospital is sketchy for me, as I was in and out of consciousness, but I do remember Ches was in the ambulance with me. Looking back at the ride, it seems the ambulance was much larger. I vaguely remember Ches being there with me, except that the paramedic kept reassuring me that he was fine. I mentioned earlier that the roads on the way to Monroe were not all that great, right? Well, as we bumped along at high rates of speed, my oxygen mask kept slipping off my face and everytime it did, I thought I was going to die. I obviously wasn't able to speak very loud, because I struggled getting the paramedic's attention to put the mask back on. Apparently, the fear I felt was conveyed through my eyes and the paramedic held the mask on for me. That was such a comfort.
When Ches and I made it to the hospital, my husband and Gabi had already arrived and so had many family members. We were spread out all over that emergency room. When they called in the best neurosurgeon for our area to look at my CT and MRI, he stated, "You need to go to the University of Mississippi Hospital where you can get the best surgeon in this area for spinal injury." Well, who was I to argue? I mean, really, I was in no position to say, "I want a second opinion!" So....this meant I would be airlifted to Jackson, Mississippi and my children were left in Monroe, Louisiana, about one and a half hours apart.
The flight to Jackson was smooth as far as I can remember, but when we landed! Whew! Those doctor wannabes or soon-to-bes were all over me! They were trying to "set" my dislocated elbow and broken wrist while I was awake and yet, they were taking me straight to surgery! One sweet little nurse or resident, I honestly am not sure which, said, "Can't you wait until she's in surgery to do that?" Bless you young lady (whoever you are!). And, yes, I could feel it. And, yes, that was a good thing.
When I awoke from surgery, the pain was so horrific. They were not giving me pain medicine, because they had not ruled out a brain injury at that point. I tried to tell them my brain was fine, but was about to short circuit without some relief from the pain. I had two children naturally. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but I don't think people are supposed to live through that kind of physical pain. It was really bad, but they stuck to their guns. Finally, after quite some time they gave me Tylenol 3 with codeine. They should rename that medicine to "itch in a pill!". Oh my word, my mother or whoever was handy stood over me and scratched my itching NOSE!
Shortly after waking up from surgery, my mom and my brother, Kevin who lives in Raleigh, NC, came in for the fifteen-minute visitation. Ok. Can I just say, in all seriousness, when I saw my brother, I thought I was dead or dying? I knew I must be in bad shape if my brother FLEW in to see me. That just didn't happen. I was crying and begging for some relief, but when I saw Kevin, I asked, "Am I dying?" Kevin had flown in from Raleigh, NC as soon as he was able. He was such a comfort and real source of strength for my mom and me during that time.
The next few days following the surgery were flooded with medical complications, family, friends, therapists, you name it, I got it. The day that I remember being most cognizant, the head of neurosurgery at the hospital told me I would be paralyzed from my chest down for the rest of my life. Point blank, "You will be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life." I don't think they offer "Tact 101" in medical school. But then again, how do you take the sting out of news like that? I guess you "remove" yourself from unpleasant news like that when it is your job to deliver devastating information on a routine basis. Nonetheless, it was in the quiet of the nights with mom and other family members that stayed to help that tiny bits of reality began to creep into my awareness. I knew what they were saying. I had just enough medical training to know that a spinal cord injury is a really bad thing.
Part II
About the third or fourth night after arriving in Jackson, I remember praying for my children and husband and thinking I would never be able to hold them again. Even now, as I recall that night tears fill my eyes and I can feel the desperation in my chest. I prayed and asked God to please let me at least move my arms so I could hug my babies. My right arm was in a cast from about mid-bicep to my hand and my left arm had just been lifeless. That very night, my nose was itching terribly bad and instinctively my left arm went up in the air and fell across my face! God heard AND answered my prayer! I had no control over it, BUT IT MOVED!!!
I have often joked, that I should have prayed that God heal me totally since He was answering my prayers that night. Jesus said we just have to ask and our Father in heaven will give it to us. I am familiar with the verses that say if we ask...believing...in agreement...according to His will...He will grant us our petition! So why am I still rolling around? Why am I still paralyzed? Well, I don't have all the answers to all the hard questions, but I know Who does. March 30, 1993, God began a work in me. He has not completed what He started. I put my faith in the scripture in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I know Paul was speaking to the brethren at Philippi and that He knew that their faith in Jesus was being perfected, but I know that the scripture is relevant to me today and I believe God began a good work that day in me. Those of you reading this have had tragedies that have stopped you dead in your tracks as well, but you may not see God's hand at work in those dark hours. Believe this...there are many of us who have suffered abuse, illness, and many atrocities and we cannot see the hand of God in our midst, but...He is there. He is in the middle of mess. You may not recognize Him because the situation is ugly and a loving God would NEVER allow such a bad thing to happen...but He does. I know that I have two choices to make. I can either reject Him because I am appalled at the circumstances or I can say, "OK, what is it that You want me to take away from this?" That is about as simple as I can make it to help you understand where I am coming from when I say He started a process on that HORRIBLE day, but He has been in the process of shaping and molding me into the child He wants me to be.
The molding and shaping of our character is really what is happening when "life" comes our way with the speed of a jet airplane. I suppose, spiritually, we are more "prepared" at some times more than we are at others, but James 1:2-4 clearly tells us that it is a process. First the trial, then patience, then perfection, and ultimately lacking nothing. Have I arrived? Oh nooo! Am I close? Oh no, I really don't think so. But am I aware? Ahhh, yes. I am awake! I am fully aware of His presence in my life. And it is in Him that I can and have found PERFECT peace. And it is available to you too!
When Ches and I made it to the hospital, my husband and Gabi had already arrived and so had many family members. We were spread out all over that emergency room. When they called in the best neurosurgeon for our area to look at my CT and MRI, he stated, "You need to go to the University of Mississippi Hospital where you can get the best surgeon in this area for spinal injury." Well, who was I to argue? I mean, really, I was in no position to say, "I want a second opinion!" So....this meant I would be airlifted to Jackson, Mississippi and my children were left in Monroe, Louisiana, about one and a half hours apart.
The flight to Jackson was smooth as far as I can remember, but when we landed! Whew! Those doctor wannabes or soon-to-bes were all over me! They were trying to "set" my dislocated elbow and broken wrist while I was awake and yet, they were taking me straight to surgery! One sweet little nurse or resident, I honestly am not sure which, said, "Can't you wait until she's in surgery to do that?" Bless you young lady (whoever you are!). And, yes, I could feel it. And, yes, that was a good thing.
When I awoke from surgery, the pain was so horrific. They were not giving me pain medicine, because they had not ruled out a brain injury at that point. I tried to tell them my brain was fine, but was about to short circuit without some relief from the pain. I had two children naturally. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but I don't think people are supposed to live through that kind of physical pain. It was really bad, but they stuck to their guns. Finally, after quite some time they gave me Tylenol 3 with codeine. They should rename that medicine to "itch in a pill!". Oh my word, my mother or whoever was handy stood over me and scratched my itching NOSE!
Shortly after waking up from surgery, my mom and my brother, Kevin who lives in Raleigh, NC, came in for the fifteen-minute visitation. Ok. Can I just say, in all seriousness, when I saw my brother, I thought I was dead or dying? I knew I must be in bad shape if my brother FLEW in to see me. That just didn't happen. I was crying and begging for some relief, but when I saw Kevin, I asked, "Am I dying?" Kevin had flown in from Raleigh, NC as soon as he was able. He was such a comfort and real source of strength for my mom and me during that time.
The next few days following the surgery were flooded with medical complications, family, friends, therapists, you name it, I got it. The day that I remember being most cognizant, the head of neurosurgery at the hospital told me I would be paralyzed from my chest down for the rest of my life. Point blank, "You will be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life." I don't think they offer "Tact 101" in medical school. But then again, how do you take the sting out of news like that? I guess you "remove" yourself from unpleasant news like that when it is your job to deliver devastating information on a routine basis. Nonetheless, it was in the quiet of the nights with mom and other family members that stayed to help that tiny bits of reality began to creep into my awareness. I knew what they were saying. I had just enough medical training to know that a spinal cord injury is a really bad thing.
Part II
About the third or fourth night after arriving in Jackson, I remember praying for my children and husband and thinking I would never be able to hold them again. Even now, as I recall that night tears fill my eyes and I can feel the desperation in my chest. I prayed and asked God to please let me at least move my arms so I could hug my babies. My right arm was in a cast from about mid-bicep to my hand and my left arm had just been lifeless. That very night, my nose was itching terribly bad and instinctively my left arm went up in the air and fell across my face! God heard AND answered my prayer! I had no control over it, BUT IT MOVED!!!
I have often joked, that I should have prayed that God heal me totally since He was answering my prayers that night. Jesus said we just have to ask and our Father in heaven will give it to us. I am familiar with the verses that say if we ask...believing...in agreement...according to His will...He will grant us our petition! So why am I still rolling around? Why am I still paralyzed? Well, I don't have all the answers to all the hard questions, but I know Who does. March 30, 1993, God began a work in me. He has not completed what He started. I put my faith in the scripture in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I know Paul was speaking to the brethren at Philippi and that He knew that their faith in Jesus was being perfected, but I know that the scripture is relevant to me today and I believe God began a good work that day in me. Those of you reading this have had tragedies that have stopped you dead in your tracks as well, but you may not see God's hand at work in those dark hours. Believe this...there are many of us who have suffered abuse, illness, and many atrocities and we cannot see the hand of God in our midst, but...He is there. He is in the middle of mess. You may not recognize Him because the situation is ugly and a loving God would NEVER allow such a bad thing to happen...but He does. I know that I have two choices to make. I can either reject Him because I am appalled at the circumstances or I can say, "OK, what is it that You want me to take away from this?" That is about as simple as I can make it to help you understand where I am coming from when I say He started a process on that HORRIBLE day, but He has been in the process of shaping and molding me into the child He wants me to be.
The molding and shaping of our character is really what is happening when "life" comes our way with the speed of a jet airplane. I suppose, spiritually, we are more "prepared" at some times more than we are at others, but James 1:2-4 clearly tells us that it is a process. First the trial, then patience, then perfection, and ultimately lacking nothing. Have I arrived? Oh nooo! Am I close? Oh no, I really don't think so. But am I aware? Ahhh, yes. I am awake! I am fully aware of His presence in my life. And it is in Him that I can and have found PERFECT peace. And it is available to you too!
The Jaws of Life
61 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
Because the Lord has anointed me
To bring good news to the afflicted;
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to captives
And freedom to prisoners;
2 To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
3 To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
Isaiah 61:1-3
Lying there limp and nearly lifeless, I was told that my four-year-old son, Ches, was out of the car walking around when the ambulance arrived. Thankfully, he sustained no physical injuries. On the other hand, he saw EVERYTHING. He saw Gabi with blood streaming down her face and her tears as she was in terrific pain from a broken nose and femur. He heard all the moans and saw all the carnage. He suffered from that mental anguish. They call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Gabi, three, was in a body cast for two months, but she was quite tenacious as she learned to walk around in that full-body armor! How precious they were! And, how awesome they are now.
When the ambulance arrived, they realized that I had a neck injury and so did I. I mentioned that I was in the clinical program in Radiologic Technology. Our wreck was on a Tuesday, but on Monday I was working in the emergency room x-ray department. I had just rotated into this area not long before. On Monday morning, there had been a car accident in town and they brought the patient in to have a C-spine clearance. That's x-rays to make sure the c-collar can safely be removed and there are no neck injuries. On Monday, the patient was cleared...on Tuesday, I was the patient and I didn't clear.
I remember telling them not to move me and put a collar on me. I cannot describe the pain. It was so isolated in my neck. I didn't hurt anywhere else. I had a dislocated elbow and broken wrist, but the only pain I felt was in my neck. The closest analogy I can give is to imagine being stabbed in the neck with a red-hot poker! Excruciating! The EMT and paramedics were so careful not to move me an inch without securing my neck, but we ran into a snag...my door was smashed shut from the front side. They had to extract me from the car. Not only was I a prisoner of my body, but I was also bound in my car. They used the Jaws of Life to free my limp body from the car.
That was many years ago, but I still need the real "Jaws of Life". Isaiah 61:1-3 tells us that Jesus came to set us free. In essence, Christ is our Jaws of Life. Being removed from that crushed vehicle was piercingly painful, I can assure you. If you feel that your life has crashed in around you and you feel no hope, Jesus Christ can pull you out of the wreckage. It will not be easy. It will not be painless, but it will be worth it!
*Edited and transferred
Because the Lord has anointed me
To bring good news to the afflicted;
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to captives
And freedom to prisoners;
2 To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
3 To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
Isaiah 61:1-3
Lying there limp and nearly lifeless, I was told that my four-year-old son, Ches, was out of the car walking around when the ambulance arrived. Thankfully, he sustained no physical injuries. On the other hand, he saw EVERYTHING. He saw Gabi with blood streaming down her face and her tears as she was in terrific pain from a broken nose and femur. He heard all the moans and saw all the carnage. He suffered from that mental anguish. They call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Gabi, three, was in a body cast for two months, but she was quite tenacious as she learned to walk around in that full-body armor! How precious they were! And, how awesome they are now.
When the ambulance arrived, they realized that I had a neck injury and so did I. I mentioned that I was in the clinical program in Radiologic Technology. Our wreck was on a Tuesday, but on Monday I was working in the emergency room x-ray department. I had just rotated into this area not long before. On Monday morning, there had been a car accident in town and they brought the patient in to have a C-spine clearance. That's x-rays to make sure the c-collar can safely be removed and there are no neck injuries. On Monday, the patient was cleared...on Tuesday, I was the patient and I didn't clear.
I remember telling them not to move me and put a collar on me. I cannot describe the pain. It was so isolated in my neck. I didn't hurt anywhere else. I had a dislocated elbow and broken wrist, but the only pain I felt was in my neck. The closest analogy I can give is to imagine being stabbed in the neck with a red-hot poker! Excruciating! The EMT and paramedics were so careful not to move me an inch without securing my neck, but we ran into a snag...my door was smashed shut from the front side. They had to extract me from the car. Not only was I a prisoner of my body, but I was also bound in my car. They used the Jaws of Life to free my limp body from the car.
That was many years ago, but I still need the real "Jaws of Life". Isaiah 61:1-3 tells us that Jesus came to set us free. In essence, Christ is our Jaws of Life. Being removed from that crushed vehicle was piercingly painful, I can assure you. If you feel that your life has crashed in around you and you feel no hope, Jesus Christ can pull you out of the wreckage. It will not be easy. It will not be painless, but it will be worth it!
*Edited and transferred
My life Flashed Before My Eyes
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every [a]event under heaven— Ecclesiastes 3:1
At that moment, that very brief time in the car, as I lay still, I had no idea what I or my family was about to face and Who I was about to face. You know they say your life flashes right before your eyes as you narrowly escape death? Well, in hindsight, I think you reevaluate your life. I know for me, I've been given the blessing of viewing things as temporal.
Life is short, period, dot, end. Why do we waste so much of it holding grudges and harboring hate in our hearts? The likelihood that you are one of those people with the dreamy childhood is far from what the rest of us experienced. I start at childhood first, as it is the most difficult for me to disclose, but I feel it is definitely worth the effort.
Childhood for me is compartmentalized. I led a double life as a small child. In fact, my family led a double life. My father is an alcoholic. He was a practicing alcoholic until July of 1981, and he has been sober since. I had much to forgive him for and God made a way. I saw and experienced abuse, but God made a way for me to forgive my abuser. For those of you that grew up with a parent in addiction, abuse, or neglect, I want to assure you that forgiveness can and will come to you if you pray and ask God to give it to you. I am living proof!
The problem with child abuse is that it skews your perception of how things are supposed to be. Your friends and their families act much differently than how your family operates and instinctively you know, you KNOW, that something is wrong! When I said that I compartmentalized, I put all the "bad" things that occurred in a box in my mind and shoved it as far back in the recesses as I possibly could and only opened it when I had to deal with "bad" things. Praise be to God that He has taken that "box", opened it with me and has shown me the "pearls" that have developed as a result of the "bad" times as a child. God wants to reveal to you the tiny grains of sand that infiltrated your life; that became irritants and have left you scarred. Open that box and examine the irritant, the abuse, the neglect. God will walk through the process with you if you invite Him to show you how He can use that pearl for His glory.
I think we were able to separate the things happening to us so much so that when we were placed in public, we knew what to say and what not to say. Many of us carried that trait into adulthood. We only let people see that part of us that is "all put together". I say to you, if you are that person, fall on your face before God and trust Him to replace the pain and facade with healing and realness. That's what makes us pliable in His hands. We MUST become like putty in the Master Potter's hand.
So, you ask, "What does all this have to do with the wreck and paralysis?", well, remember I said that when I regained consciousness immediately after the crash and all I heard was the hissing of the engine? I know God protected me from hearing my children crying. He knew that I would not have been able to keep an ounce of sanity had I heard my babies crying. However, they were crying. I was in a rehab hospital for four months following the wreck and one night I awoke to hear my babies screaming! I know that was God opening a little box in my mind where that had been stored until I could deal with it. At that point, my family was staying with me pretty much all day and night. I knew they were okay now, but God showed me that He spared me that mental anguish of hearing their screams and being helpless to comfort them.
It may be that God was protecting my mind when I was a child just as He did while I lay there in that car. I can't be sure, but what I am sure of is that He has helped me to see the good that has come from being a wounded child paralyzed to the circumstances I was in then and now as a physically paralyzed adult. If you question God's ability, just look at Romans 8:28. He does cause all things to work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.
*Edited and transferred to Word
At that moment, that very brief time in the car, as I lay still, I had no idea what I or my family was about to face and Who I was about to face. You know they say your life flashes right before your eyes as you narrowly escape death? Well, in hindsight, I think you reevaluate your life. I know for me, I've been given the blessing of viewing things as temporal.
Life is short, period, dot, end. Why do we waste so much of it holding grudges and harboring hate in our hearts? The likelihood that you are one of those people with the dreamy childhood is far from what the rest of us experienced. I start at childhood first, as it is the most difficult for me to disclose, but I feel it is definitely worth the effort.
Childhood for me is compartmentalized. I led a double life as a small child. In fact, my family led a double life. My father is an alcoholic. He was a practicing alcoholic until July of 1981, and he has been sober since. I had much to forgive him for and God made a way. I saw and experienced abuse, but God made a way for me to forgive my abuser. For those of you that grew up with a parent in addiction, abuse, or neglect, I want to assure you that forgiveness can and will come to you if you pray and ask God to give it to you. I am living proof!
The problem with child abuse is that it skews your perception of how things are supposed to be. Your friends and their families act much differently than how your family operates and instinctively you know, you KNOW, that something is wrong! When I said that I compartmentalized, I put all the "bad" things that occurred in a box in my mind and shoved it as far back in the recesses as I possibly could and only opened it when I had to deal with "bad" things. Praise be to God that He has taken that "box", opened it with me and has shown me the "pearls" that have developed as a result of the "bad" times as a child. God wants to reveal to you the tiny grains of sand that infiltrated your life; that became irritants and have left you scarred. Open that box and examine the irritant, the abuse, the neglect. God will walk through the process with you if you invite Him to show you how He can use that pearl for His glory.
I think we were able to separate the things happening to us so much so that when we were placed in public, we knew what to say and what not to say. Many of us carried that trait into adulthood. We only let people see that part of us that is "all put together". I say to you, if you are that person, fall on your face before God and trust Him to replace the pain and facade with healing and realness. That's what makes us pliable in His hands. We MUST become like putty in the Master Potter's hand.
So, you ask, "What does all this have to do with the wreck and paralysis?", well, remember I said that when I regained consciousness immediately after the crash and all I heard was the hissing of the engine? I know God protected me from hearing my children crying. He knew that I would not have been able to keep an ounce of sanity had I heard my babies crying. However, they were crying. I was in a rehab hospital for four months following the wreck and one night I awoke to hear my babies screaming! I know that was God opening a little box in my mind where that had been stored until I could deal with it. At that point, my family was staying with me pretty much all day and night. I knew they were okay now, but God showed me that He spared me that mental anguish of hearing their screams and being helpless to comfort them.
It may be that God was protecting my mind when I was a child just as He did while I lay there in that car. I can't be sure, but what I am sure of is that He has helped me to see the good that has come from being a wounded child paralyzed to the circumstances I was in then and now as a physically paralyzed adult. If you question God's ability, just look at Romans 8:28. He does cause all things to work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.
*Edited and transferred to Word
The Day My World Stopped Turning and Started Rolling
March 30, 1993, marks the day that my life turned on its ear. That morning as I was getting my day started, I ran a mile for the first time in months as I had been recovering from surgery and had been inactive. It was a cool damp morning, but the run was so invigorating that the elements were of no concern. My then husband, two children (Ches 4 and Gabi 3), and I were living about an hour drive from his work, their part-time daycare, and my school. I was in my clinical program at Northeast Louisiana University for Radiologic Technology. I had just over a year before I was to graduate.
Typically, my children would stay with my mother while we were in Monroe for school and work, but my mother had a dentist appointment in Monroe, so the children were with me. We all left Oak Grove at the same time and when we reached a little intersection where you could turn or go straight and both routes took you to the same place; mom went one way and we went the other. The drive to Monroe from Oak Grove was all rural highways and mostly substandard roads at that. On this particular day, there was an ever so slight mist in the air so the highways were damp, not saturated.
The kids were in the back seat of our small four-door car. I was in the passenger side studying. At my last glance at Ches and Gabi, they were buckled in and I had the automatic shoulder strap in place. At some point I remember my ex-husband making a sound. It was a deep, desperate sound that caught my immediate attention. I looked up in just enough time to see a white flash and try to turn to check on the kids. That's the last thing I remember as an able-bodied, independent to a fault, twenty-five-year-old, young mother.
My next state of consciousness must have been only seconds later because I heard a loud hissing noise. It was steam off the motors of the little white truck and our little black car that had just collided at a rate of about 55 miles per hour head-on. I didn't hear my children crying (then), but I heard my husband moaning and laboring for breath. I think God must have somehow buffered my mind from everything going on around me because I could not have helped anyone. I lay there, draped over that shoulder strap like a rag doll. The only things moving on me were my eyes and the rise and fall of my chest with shallow respirations. I was paralyzed.
That day marks the beginning of a road of discovery. I discovered just how vulnerable and fragile life is and how awesome and gracious God's power to overcome tragedies is.
*Edited and transferred to Word
Typically, my children would stay with my mother while we were in Monroe for school and work, but my mother had a dentist appointment in Monroe, so the children were with me. We all left Oak Grove at the same time and when we reached a little intersection where you could turn or go straight and both routes took you to the same place; mom went one way and we went the other. The drive to Monroe from Oak Grove was all rural highways and mostly substandard roads at that. On this particular day, there was an ever so slight mist in the air so the highways were damp, not saturated.
The kids were in the back seat of our small four-door car. I was in the passenger side studying. At my last glance at Ches and Gabi, they were buckled in and I had the automatic shoulder strap in place. At some point I remember my ex-husband making a sound. It was a deep, desperate sound that caught my immediate attention. I looked up in just enough time to see a white flash and try to turn to check on the kids. That's the last thing I remember as an able-bodied, independent to a fault, twenty-five-year-old, young mother.
My next state of consciousness must have been only seconds later because I heard a loud hissing noise. It was steam off the motors of the little white truck and our little black car that had just collided at a rate of about 55 miles per hour head-on. I didn't hear my children crying (then), but I heard my husband moaning and laboring for breath. I think God must have somehow buffered my mind from everything going on around me because I could not have helped anyone. I lay there, draped over that shoulder strap like a rag doll. The only things moving on me were my eyes and the rise and fall of my chest with shallow respirations. I was paralyzed.
That day marks the beginning of a road of discovery. I discovered just how vulnerable and fragile life is and how awesome and gracious God's power to overcome tragedies is.
*Edited and transferred to Word
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