Rolling In His Grace

Our Own Worst Enemy

2011-11-25T09:36:00.000-08:00

^{26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:26-27, 31 NIV}

As I meditated on this Scripture, I realized that I am my own worst enemy. The whole chapter 8 of Romans tells us that God’s Spirit lives within us and empowers us against our sin nature…Then why do we sin? I think Paul said it best in chapter 7 just before he explained how we overcome our propensity to sin, “15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15. Paul was not immune to a sinful nature and we have but to look to look to David to see others who fell and that we fall to our sin nature, as well.

In Psalm 51, David is repenting of his sin with Bathsheba. If God’s Spirit is what equips us for righteousness, is there any wonder he cried out, “Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.” Psalm 51:11. So, are we immune to our own sinful nature? NO! Does this give a license to sin? In the words of Paul, “May it never be!” So, how do we reconcile all this sin nature, righteousness, and grace? We must remember Paul’s words, “37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39. If we are living by the Spirit, we are His and nothing can separate us from Him and I’m guessing that includes us. Oh, but wait…we can distance ourselves from Him just as David.

Stay with me here (I have a point, I promise!) If God's love can never be separated from us and His Spirit is in us, His love is in us. His Love covers our sins. If we look at what Peter said, “The end of all things is near; therefore, be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer. 8 Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. 9 Be hospitable to one another without complaint.” 1 Peter 4:7-9, we can see that our love for others (through Christ) will cover a multitude of sins. How? I’m not positive; I have to admit. But, if we love others the way Christ loves us, this must be the answer to the equation.

This Christmas, let us all remember the reason he came to live…to die. Not just to die, but to redeem us by His blood and great Love for us. This is the best gift to give others this year. Gifts (things) will come and go, but His grace is forever. I challenge all who read this to give the gifts of love, mercy, and grace to those you love…to those you encounter at the post office…to those in the checkout line…to the least of these. We may be our own worst enemy as far as our own sinful nature, but we do not have display this side of ourselves to the world. They have enough enemies as it is!

The Brightest Sky

2011-11-24T07:18:00.000-08:00

¹ In the past God spoke to our ancestors through the prophets at many times and in various ways, ² but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom also he made the universe. ³ The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven. ⁴ So he became as much superior to the angels as the name he has inherited is superior to theirs. Hebrew 1:1-4

If you've every watched a sunrise when the fog was thick or there were a few clouds hazing up the sky, you know exactly where the sun is by virtue of the brightest area in the sky. I love that He speaks through His creation. I love that He has provided us with His Word to confirm the life-lessons He speaks to our hearts.

As I was enjoying my time with Him this day and being very thankful for the many ways He chooses to reveal Himself to us, I couldn't see the sun, but I could see where the sun was coming up at because it was brightest in that area. That got me to thinking...(see I have MBA...Measurable Brain Activity that early)..."It's always brightest right around the sun." No brainer, right?

If I were to look at Bible studies like Anne Graham Lotz "Just Give Me Jesus" or "Pursuing More of Jesus", I think I would see that she "got it." I mean the closer we get to Jesus the more we shine His light. When Jesus said in John 8:12 "¹² When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.'" That's pretty self-explanatory. He tells us in John 15:4-5 that if we abide in Him, He will abide in us and apart from Him we can do nothing. Staying close to Jesus keeps our light bright in a darkened, fallen, and sinful world.

So, today I encourage you to enjoy the Sonshine! Thanksgiving is a great time to be thankful for His presence in the form of His Holy Spirit. Can you imagine our world without His presence? Let's not take Him for granted. We are His light, so let's be the brightest "sky" that we can!

Living "Out Loud"

2011-09-17T07:10:00.000-07:00

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

At one time in my life, I lived to exist. I existed as a child, adolescent, wife, mother, and yes, a Christian. Many of us do. We find that we are too imperfect to embrace our God-given liberty to LIVE. I would dare say that existing is NOT LIVING.

When we finally figure out what the meaning to life really is, we begin to live. All too often we "live" in the past. Past failures. Past hurts. Past disappointments. We can and should embrace those past "fill in the blank here" to find the meaning of those events. Embracing suffering does not sound healthy, but I say emphatically, "Yes it is!" We can take from those very events positive pearls and say, "This is who I am...I can be a better person as a result of "fill in the blank here."

Understanding that past events do not have to define you but are a small part of who you are today is the beginning of finding purpose. Embracing this fact can and will propel you into a future of possibilities. Once you reach this point, those circumstances that have had you paralyzed in the past can bring new meaning to your life today and for the future.

My Aunt Lynn lost her only child, Tracy Williams. Tracy's estranged husband shot and killed her before turning the gun on himself. She left behind two wonderful children. This was devastating to our entire family. It took nearly a year and a half for Aunt Lynn to find any meaning in life, but she has started Tracy Williams Foundation for women and children that have been abused. This honors our precious Tracy, but it also helps us find meaning to life. This has opened the door for Aunt Lynn's grandchildren, brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews to use their unique gifts and talents in Tracy's memory. But, most of all, the aim of the foundation is to help others get to safety from abusive spouses. In Aunt Lynn's words, "If this helps ONE person, it will have been all worth the effort."

I used Aunt Lynn's example because losing a child must be the most devastating thing to happen to a parent, but she has found a way to help others through her tragedy. Sometimes, however, it is not a tragedy that holds us back, but our own poor choices (sin). Other times, it is abuse. Whatever it is, John 10:10 tells us that that the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. If we wait to live for the Lord when all is good again, we will never enjoy the last part of this verse. Jesus came that we may have LIFE and a FULL LIFE!

A full life resembles joyfulness. I saw joy in Aunt Lynn's actions and in her face as she would share what the foundation was for. There will be a ripple effect from Tracy's and Aunt Lynn's life. She is living again, not merely existing!

So...find meaning in your life and circumstances and "LIVE OUT LOUD!"

2011-05-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

¹ The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Psalm 19:1 (NIV)

God can be seen and heard in the magnificent and in the minute. A warm Summer breeze can tell us many things about the Creator of the universe. When He whispers in the wind as it gently brushes past our ear, we can hear Him say, "I love you that much". When the scent of his breath drifts by our noses, we can smell sweet honeysuckle or salty ocean air. As He speaks, we can feel the warmth of His breath as it touches our cheek.

God visits us in the stupendous and the small. A fluttering butterfly wisping along on the same Summer breeze can heighten our sense of His presence. The intricate weave of colors and patterns on the wings of the Monarch may stir our spirit prompting us to wonder at the beauty of God. The sight of the beautiful insect may gently remind us of loved ones that have gone on before us and God's reassurance that He has them.

God meets our needs in extraordinary ways and in everyday ways. Wandering through a small creek, a cool clear current can make its way over and around stones supplying water to all forms of life along its path reminding us that He is water to a thirsty soul. As we dip our hands into the cool water and feel the movement of the current between our fingers, we are reminded of how His Spirit moves us. Just as the water molecules' origin and destination can not be found, so is the inexhaustible God of Creation.

Are we listening? Are we perceiving? Are we receiving? He speaks, but are we aware? He sooths, but are we too rushed to rest? He admonishes, but are we so bent on our own way that we ignore?

I love to look for God in His creation, but I'm amazed when He reveals Himself unexpectedly. A little over a year after our car wreck, we went to the beach for a family reunion. It was my first trip back to the sandy turf after becoming paralyzed. For those of you that have never thought about it (I never had before), wheelchairs and sand do not make for a good time. I was not only limited to the wheelchair, but I was also limited to the wooden sidewalk that went only so far over the sand. The beach and ocean were definitely not assessable! But, my children were five and six and they were loving every minute of it and I enjoyed watching them discover this new world around them.

Our last night at the beach, the children wanted to go digging for crabs. Armed with sand pails, shovels, and flash lights, they were on their way. I rolled out as far as I could go and sat...and listened...and in the moments that I was alone, I looked up. There was a full moon and a sky full of stars. In the safety of the dark and away from my families eyes, I felt the tears streaming down my face. I felt very alone. I was very vulnerable. I prayed. God spoke. There in the sky was a shooting star that looked as though it started in one hemisphere and danced clear into the next. Yes, God speaks. We may just have to listen with our eyes sometimes.

Right then. Right there. God reminded me that I was not alone, nor was I vulnerable. He assured me that I would walk someday, but more importantly, that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. So, whatever your struggle or hurt...remember "His grace is sufficient."

Delight

2011-05-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

Traveling happens to be something I enjoy doing. I love seeing God's handiwork and I look for it everywhere I travel. However, traveling can be difficult with my motorized chair and most especially if I'm traveling with a group. Chartered buses and airplanes are not exactly wheelchair friendly. Since I know these facts, I, typically, make my own travel arrangements and join in all the group activities that I can.

The church I attend is very active in foreign missions. We've sent missionaries to the Ukraine, Dominican Republic, Africa, China, and the list goes on. Not until last year, did I start considering a mission trip with my church to one of these countries. I prayed about it and was so excited about going. But then, I got sick with complications that come with being a tetraplegic. I started asking questions about the medical situations and other concerns with which a person that is paralyzed would need to know. You know, third world living conditions are not exactly ideal for the healthy, let alone someone with slightly compromised health. I didn't go. And, I was bummed about it too!

I have a dear, sweet friend and sister in the Lord that has been serving in the Philippines for 14 years. I thought that since God closed the door for me to go with my church on a foreign mission trip then I would go to the Philippines. After all, it was my desire to go on a foreign mission trip and I've wanted to visit my friend in the Philippines. It was only logical. And surely, I could do something "in Jesus's name" while I was there. Problem is, I need a traveling companion. There went my bottom lip and folded arms again. I pouted and whined until I found a traveling companion. So we started praying about when we were to go to visit the Philippines and hold a women's conference. (By now, we knew what we were going to do while we were there).

We began praying and fasting in the fall for the upcoming year's trip. We sought godly counsel and someone said, "I will pray, because you don't need to go if you haven't been called." Little did I know that statement would come back to me months later.

Something started happening. The Philippines were still on the globe, my love for my sister in Christ was stronger than ever, the women still needed the message of hope in Jesus, but I was changing. I was seeking Him more and He was exchanging my desires for His. I dared ask that He begin exposing the motivation of my heart. And, He did.

I began praying differently, more specifically. I knew God was aware that we needed to confirm our plans by a certain date and so I asked Him to please solidify our direction by the first of May. He answered me specifically in Romans 1:13. Paul wanted to go to Rome, but "he was hindered". He answered my prayer with His word. I asked again the next day that He confirmed what I thought He was saying to me with His word again. In my Bible study, He took me to Mark 16:15,
"Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation".
"Huh? But I thought You said…" Very gently the Holy Spirit nudged my heart and said, "Kendra was called to the Philippines. You were called to America." "Oh, yeah… America is still part of the world."

I was not disappointed that I wasn't going on a foreign summer mission trip because God made the desires of my heart change. They were reflecting His desires more. I was sad that I wouldn't see my friend and meet the children she has "adopted". I was at peace knowing I was walking the path God desires for my life.

When God says "No", how do we typically react? Why? Our knee-jerk reaction is to poke out our bottom lip, cross our arms, stomp one foot, and cry "why not"! More often than not, if we are asking God for something outside the boundary of His will for our lives, then that's what we want. Our behavior following His answer tells much about our spiritual maturity. You say, "But doesn't God give us the desires of our heart?" Yes! Psalm 37:4 says that He will. Notice, He says to delight yourself in the Lord first. Finding delight in God somehow causes our desires to line up with God's desire for our lives.
Maybe you've been praying for God to give you the desires of your heart. A mate. A job. Financial security. Health. Well, then delight yourself in Him and His word and I PROMISE He will deliver.

Mary Had a Little Lamb

2011-04-23T13:23:00.001-07:00

Mary had a Little Lamb whose fleece was white as snow...

Sarah Josepha Hale

It was in some of David's most fearful, hopeless, dread filled, and shameful moments that we see the most courage, hope, anticipation, and restoration. Psalms 23 shows our humanity and need for a Great Shepherd. Verse one says it all! The Lord is my Shepherd. If you cannot say that verse one is true for you then stop reading the 23rd Psalm. Unless you can say that you are in His fold, you do not have access to the provisions found throughout the rest of this chapter.

David was a shepherd himself. A shepherd's life was lonesome. Their only companions were their hirelings and the sheep (1 Samuel 17:20). They spoke to them and the sheep knew their voices. They walked among them daily paying close attention to the new lambs. By night, they slept near their flocks in tents (Song of Solomon 1:8, Isaiah 38:12). As the shepherds tended their flocks, they knew the Passover was just around the corner. They kept their eyes open for that one lamb. The most valuable. The most prized. As they watched this lamb, surely, they would grow to love this lamb, because this lamb was set apart and cared for more than the others.

As was the custom, they would select the lamb (a one-year-old male) four days before the Passover. The lamb stayed in their homes for four days. The little lamb was fed in the home (and probably left evidence on the floor). It was petted and held. I'm sure preparations were made prior to the lamb being brought into their homes. After all, the lamb was the honored guest. Now, I know there were children in these homes that played with the little lamb. The parents knew, as did the older children, that this lamb was to be slaughtered in four days... In three days... In two days. On that last day, can you imagine the children that understood what was about to happen and how heavy their little hearts must have been? Can you imagine the horror and dismay the small children must have felt when their little lamb was slaughtered and they had to eat it. The instructions were not only to cover the doorpost with the blood of the lamb, but also to roast the lamb and eat it all. For our Western mindset, this is mortifying.

Fast forward with me to the year 4 BC. Joseph and Mary have just had their first born. His name was foretold to His father, Joseph. His name was to be called Jesus. Oh the joy of a newborn baby. No, the circumstances surrounding His birth were not ideal in our modern, sterile terms, but once they held Him for the first time all of the inconveniences were forgotten. Mary coddled to her breast the Lamb of God. Mary had a little Lamb.

He came into this world to live that He may die. He was the spotless, sinless Passover Lamb for the ages to come. No longer would there be need to sacrifice little lambs. Jesus atoned once and for all. The Great and Mighty Shepherd came as the Passover Lamb so that you and I no longer need to make atonement for our sins on a year-to-year basis. Jesus atoned for our sins once and for ALL. Yes, Mary's Little Lamb was indeed white as snow.

I Don't Get to Choose "Whosoever"

2011-03-08T11:56:00.000-08:00

The Homeless "Home"

16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
John 3:16 (ESV) (Emphasis added)

I know we all live with some prejudice. It's ugly, but it's real. Recently, I had the most rewarding opportunity to love on my brothers and sisters that are "permanent-abode-dwelling challenged" or as a friend of mine refers to as "urban outdoorsmen (and women)". Our group gathered and we prepared "survival sacks" with light food and hygiene items. Our plan was to go to a specific area where the "homeless" are known to gather and pass out the sacks only to arrive a few minutes too late. The folks that were feeding our "friends" had already finished giving out the plate lunches. The recipients had already sought cover from the rain.

These folks really are a community unto themselves. As you can imagine, there is not much trust for outsiders...and we were outsiders. There we were in our cars and trucks, probably eight total, driving around like a mobile used carlot convoy. When we arrived at our first stop, everyone started piling out of the vehicles carrying the "survival sacks" we had prepared ahead of time. When they saw that we were there to help, they welcomed us into their "home". Their "home"...it appeared to be a garage of sorts with four arched openings on either side. In the summer, they probably welcome the "breeze way" effect, but not so much in the cold, rainy season. They had some furniture sitting inside with some tables. They had made it as homey as they could. Soon, others came walking up and riding bikes. One man asked if we had some work pants which lead me to believe he had some type of employment. Hmmm...some of these men had jobs, but no home. They had just enough to meet immediate needs, but not enough to meet their basic needs. It was a good feeling knowing we were making a small difference for them at least for that day.

The "Mean" Streets

When we finished handing out the bags at this site, one of the guys said, "I know where some other homeless people hang out." So, we all filed in behind him and off the caravan went. He started heading in the opposite direction than I had expected he was going to go. The closer we got to the area that was far too familiar to me, a place I had called "crack town," I started in with my opposition. I thought this area was a part of my past! I never wanted to drive these streets again, never, ever, ever! When we stopped the entourage of vehicles on a street filled with boarded-up houses with "no trespassing" signs posted on them, I had flashbacks of the days I went searching for my loved one on this very street. My distaste for where we had ended up was not a private matter. Oh no! I was vocal about not wanting to be there, until everyone started piling out of the vehicles to meet an elderly lady walking across a vacant lot. In this picture through the rear view mirror, you see our group surrounding this lady with love. She looked scared at first, and I soon figured out why. After our crew gave her several of the bags and some clothing, she went up to one of the boarded-up houses and picked the lock and went in. She thought we were there to "rid" the houses of unwanted inhabitants. My heart broke. Tears stung my eyes as I heard the Lord say, "You do not choose who to love, just love." I was faced with my own prejudices.

We all have unique experiences in life that shape our perspectives. My perspective for one group of homeless as opposed to those in a slightly different section of town was marred by my past experiences, but God's grace is extended to "whosoever." I was grateful for this new experience on the same street. God's grace turned my perspective of prejudice to gratitude. Gratitude? Oh yes, He showed me that I am to love and extend to everyone the same grace that He so freely has given me.

Broken "Bread": Bitter or Better

2011-03-02T12:10:00.000-08:00

6 So Jesus told all the people to sit down on the ground. Then he took the seven loaves, thanked God for them, and broke them into pieces. He gave them to his disciples, who distributed the bread to the crowd.7 A few small fish were found, too, so Jesus also blessed these and told the disciples to distribute them.
8 They ate as much as they wanted. Afterward, the disciples picked up seven large baskets of leftover food.
Mark 8:6-8 (NLT)

I love gardening and find it very relaxing. In my yard, I have a stone that reads "An hour in the garden puts life's problems in perspective." I particularly like flowering plants because of the vibrant colors that are displayed in one single flower. My mother passed along her love of gardening to me and it is my hope that my daughter finds enjoyment in planting flowers someday. It takes tons of hard work and water, but the payoff is worth it.

Bulbs are one of my favorites. I find it interesting how the bulbs clump together and multiply. If they are taken care of by breaking the bulbs apart, they just make more and more plants. At first, they may not look so healthy, but given time they rebound and make more bulbs.

This is true in our lives as well. When we are broken, (and we are ALL broken) we can become bitter. Or, we can become better. After Jesus gave thanks for the bread, He broke it. Out of the broken bread came abundance. If we stay in the hands of Jesus during times of brokenness, abundance will flow out of that obedience. But if we don't, bitterness can creep in and like an untended garden where bulbs can be choked out and die.

Brokenness is a fundamental part of living in abundance! Jesus told us that apart from Him, we can do nothing. That means we can't live an abundant life either. Your perspective of the broken life can and will determine your future. Yes, His grace is sufficient. Yes, He will carry you through tough times. And yes, there is a life of abundance in brokenness. So...embrace the basket full's of broken bread and become better, not bitter. Being broken is inevitable, but you determine the outcome by staying focused on God's grace.

Cock-A-Doodle-Do!

2011-02-22T18:51:00.000-08:00

But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye see him, as he said unto you. Mark 16:7

In the 90's, I was serving as a youth minister at a sizable church in our community and we had been experiencing a revival for about four years. We had grown quickly and even had to build to hold all the "growth". That was not long after I had become a tetraplegic and subsequently, I had been experiencing a good bit of spiritual growth.

At some point, however, I started seeing marriages falling apart and families leaving the church. It was a sad time toward the end of our time at this church. I remember singing songs about my undying love and devotion to the Lord. My hands would be raised, tears would be falling, and my heart would be about to burst. I secretly prayed, "I'll never go back to where I was before I made you Lord of my life." Can I just say...NEVER say "NEVER!"

By 2001, my family knew it was time to step down as ministers to the youth at this church. We moved to a church "uptown" and started helping the minister to students. Life was great. My family was "safe" and we were serving the Lord. We survived the "outflux" of church goers sitting in divorce court and other places of ill-repute. Until...

2002 was a year of impending doom for my marriage. It started after we returned from a mission trip with the youth. I thought life couldn't get much better, but I was about to find out just how bad it could get. Yes, we survived a wreck that tried to claim our lives, but we couldn't survive the life we were living. My husband was on a slippery slope of befriending a woman that was as unhappy in her marriage as he was in our marriage. The end result was infidelity. By March of 2003, he served me divorce papers while I was in inpatient physical rehab. Crash!

I was devastated. I saw it coming and prayed, believing God was going to heal my marriage. It didn't change the outcome. How could this happen? How could the man that I served the Lord with turn his back on his family and God? I mean I BELIEVED God could and would heal my marriage. It didn't happen and as a result I questioned God. Yes, I questioned the God who saved me, allowed me to see miracles, and allowed me to minister to youth in His name. I was devastated!

Well, there we were. We were one of the fatalities. After being one of the pious pew inhabitants..."I'll never go back to the way I was...", I was back in the "world." I was back in the "out of church" group. I felt betrayed and so I betrayed the One Who had rescued me. Cock-a-doodle-do!

I came to understand the shame that Peter must have felt when he heard the rooster crow. Peter vehemently avowed to Jesus his loyalty and then to fall flat on his face and to do so so publicly. Yep, I totally got it when I saw one of my old youth in a night club. Boy, did I ever hear the rooster! I knew that very moment that I was done, finished, and worthless to God. But...that's not the end of the story.

The gospel of Mark tells us that the angel in the empty tomb knew how worthless Peter was feeling after his public humiliation. I knew how worthless I was feeling after my public humiliation. Mark knew the feeling of disloyalty, as well. He deserted Paul on one of the missionary journeys. However, there are two words that are used in scripture that gives us hope for today..."But God."

But God bestows on His children forgiveness and grace. He used Peter to build His church. Paul used Mark on subsequent missionary journeys. And, He has allowed me to be used in His church again. He is the God of second chances, so never feel like you've gone too far that His grace can't reach you even if you've heard the rooster crow!

Hanging on the Edge

2011-01-31T12:42:00.000-08:00

Picture yourself on the side of a beautiful mountain. The hiking trails wind out to some beautiful lookouts. There are beautiful scenes below and yon that simply take your breath away. As you are caught up in the beauty that surrounds you, you hear a faint scratch of gravel. You look behind you to see who is coming up the trail to join you. No one. Ah, must've been your imagination. You go back to meditating, soaking up the beauty that God has given at this very moment for you to enjoy. Then, there it is again. The sound is fainter, but it is definitely the sound of scratching gravel. You look around. Nothing. You look over the edge and there it is...the source of the sound. There is someone with nails embedded on the edge of a cliff about to give way to the edge.

I've been that hiker...The one so caught up in the wonderful world God created for me to enjoy that I simply did not see or hear those around me that were hurting. Not anymore. Once you've been the person over the edge and survived, you become keenly aware of those that are hurting around you.

Do you ever feel like you've been just "existing" so long that when you realize it you're on the edge? I mean like THE EDGE! Not just a few days of the doldrums, but a long time of no joy, peace, or happiness. I have. It is suffocating. When the things that once was your greatest source of joy no longer is able to produce any emotion in you, somewhere, somehow things have gotten off track. Most of the time, we are the ones off track.

I recently heard a story of two lumberjacks, one young and the other older, more seasoned. The young, brawny lumberjack challenged the older one to a contest and the one who cut the most trees down at the end of the day would be the "world's greatest lumberjack." The young man chopped non-stop all day long, never taking a break. The older man, however, stopped after every tree and sat down for about 15 minutes. At the end of the day the older lumberjack and won. When questioned how he was able to win, he said that after every tree he chopped down he sat and sharpened his ax...

I think some of us go after life like the young lumberjack and at some point we are just "chopping trees" (existing) with a dull ax. Just as the older lumberjack stopped to sharpen the edge of his blade, I think we must stop and sharpen our spiritual edge. Certainly, when he stopped to sharpen his ax, he was also able to rest. Sometimes we need to get away from the things of the world and sharpen our axes and rest. Maybe then, we can climb off the edge of the cliff of hopelessness and have an edge to be more effective in God's kingdom work.

Perspectives: 20/20 With a Cockney Accent

2011-01-31T12:18:00.000-08:00

I recently returned to my home town, Oak Grove, LA, for a funeral. No, not at all a good reason to return, but I really only passed through the town. When I go back home, my mind goes back to when I lived there and was a very active part of the community with all the emotions that are attached. Some are good. Great, even. And some, well, they still sting.

On this last trip to Oak Grove, I thought about high school. My glory days! I can still remember the feeling I would get walking down the halls of my high school. It reminds me of the "Cheers" sitcom theme song..."Where everybody knows your name..." And everybody DID know everybody's name. We were a small school, but we felt larger than life!

I remember homecoming dress-up days. Those were the greatest. Here in this picture is a dear friend of mine, Kim McAllister and myself on "50's Day." What fun! I always had a flair for the "dramatic." I suppose that's where my child gets it, as he is a theater major.

Our school was fortunate to have a couple of ladies that would dedicate hours on top of hours for the Senior class to present a play at the end of the year. I always looked so forward to the day that I was a Senior and could participate in the play as this was the ONLY outlet of this type for students when I was that age. Well, the day came for auditions. I was thrilled and thought I was a shoe in. Afterall, I was the most dramatic person I knew! I auditioned for the maid with a cockney accent. Well, after the sponsors heard all of our auditions, they posted the parts on a piece of paper...*tick tick tick*. I know the suspense is killing you. What part did I get? The lead? The maid? *tick tick tick* Alright already! I'll not keep you in suspense any longer. I did not get any part. WHAT?! Me? I know, right. I did not get to be a part of the Senior play.

I was DEVASTATED. I thought of every conspiracy theory from JFK's assassination to aliens did it! I mean really. No one knew how utterly defeated I felt. I almost sunk into a deep depression because of it, too, but through myself into school work (and college courses). Now, before you start feeling too sorry for me, I'd like to share a different perspective on the Senior play that may enlighten you.

You know it is said that "hindsight is 20/20"? Well, my perspective from 26 years of reevaluating my life is this: I was not very dependable in high school. You see, I had been notorious for starting some things and quitting or not completely meeting all the requirements needed to be a part of the organizations on school campus. For instance, I quit playing basketball. I quit playing softball only to start again only to quit again. I did not go to cheerleader camp (a requirement to be on the squad) for my senior year (I went to college instead) and I was, subsequently, asked to leave the squad. In short, I was not a team player!

Looking back over our lives and taking off the rose colored glasses is difficult. However, I think it is necessary to be honest about our flaws in order to effect a real change in our behaviors. Real, lasting change comes through the strength and grace of God. It is not within ourselves. Sure, intrinsic motivation must be a factor, but only through the Holy Spirit does these changes last.

Two bits of attitude adjustment that I was left with as I pondered these things: God has so graciously given me a son that loves the theater more than I ever could have and is allowing him to pursue his dreams. And, that young lady in the picture with me...she got the part of the maid with the cockney accent and she was PERFECT for that role!*clap clap clap* Worthy of a stand "O"!

"Noise" or Harmony

2011-01-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

Nationwide Insurance has some really clever commercials. The "Best Spokesperson" actor Bob Wiltfong takes the over-the-top approach to caring for the insureds. The one that really piqued my attention was the one with Jack Hanna the famous animal trainer. They reference how that having your insurances spread out with different companies can be compared to the sounds of many birds singing out of harmony. Here. Watch.

Once the insurer gets all his insurances with "one company" i.e. Nationwide, the birds all sing in harmony. The look on Jack Hanna's face was obviously intended to cause us to think his life was going to be more peaceful. Peace and harmony do go hand-in-hand, but sometimes...sometimes, that's not always the case. Life is not as simple as silly commercials make it out to be, that's for sure. I was recently in an auto accident and I really like my insurance company, but my insurance company didn't provide me with any peace. Sure, I was comforted in knowing that I would be able to pay for all the damages, but that certainly wasn't the source of my peace.

I wonder about ol' Paul. You know, he was ship wrecked three times and the only insurance he carried was his faith in the grace of God. We, like Jack Hanna implied in the commercial, can let ourselves get spread thin with all the "noise" in our lives. But, if we were to cast all our cares and burdens on God, we may just have the peace that Paul referred to in Philippians 4:6-7. I know for me, that when I get still before the Lord and meditate on His attributes; Who He is and that He loves me and cares about the things that really matter to me...there are no words that can express my gratitude.

With all the social networking we have today with Facebook and Twitter, our lives can be read in one sentence (sometimes sentence fragments) sound bites. You can see who is having a good day and you can see who is having a really bad day. We respond accordingly, with words of congratulations or words of encouragement. I wonder...January 17, 2011 has been dubbed "Blue Monday" because apparently that is the day more people are depressed than any other...What if we were to read all the post on Facebook and Twitter and gauge just how depressed everyone appeared to be. Then, let's dub January 24, 2011 "Yellow Monday" focusing on our blessings and see how everyones' attitude appears to be. I think if we were cognizant of our many blessings we would murmur and complain much less. Most of us would have the look of Jack Hanna and our spirits would be more at peace. Our attitude may just become that of gratitude, especially if we considered the source of our blessings.

Some things in life do not make sense to our finite, mortal minds. Some pains are deeper than merely "counting blessings" and having harmony. For those kind of hurts and pains...much time spent alone with God, our Father (Abba) and Creator, can and will help us see that His grace is sufficient to carry us through the darkest places the heart and mind can travel. My friend Todd Turner said it best..."Sometimes we need a little reminder, a pick-me-up. But sometimes it's much deeper. Some folks want to make the little things into major issues. And some folks try to sweep major issues under the rug, calling them little bumps in the road. It's the difference between a scrape that calls for a band aid and a major wound calling for surgery. Walking in good health means knowing how to tell the difference."

I encourage the hurting to get alone. Be still. Think of our Abba Father sitting on the throne and that He is in control. By faith, and again I say, by FAITH, trust Him to quiet the noise that is causing your pain.

Finding Joy in Your Perspective

2011-01-18T18:59:00.000-08:00

Recently, someone mentioned that my perspective on life was pretty upbeat especially considering all that I lost in the car accident in 1993. That got me to thinking...I lost plenty, granted, but I gained so much more. I gained an appreciation for how fragile life is. I gained an appreciation for small victories that over time become monumental triumphs. But most importantly, I gained a relationship with God that I never would have known had I not sustained a SCI that "slowed my roll". Yes, I am eternally thankful for my injury in that respect, but...

A friend of one of my children was commenting that he had never known the story behind my wheelchair...What?! How could you NOT know? I thought about that and I realized how I had failed in sharing with him about the grace of God and how that because of Jesus Christ I have life, and not JUST life, but ABUNDANT life and not just abundant life, but life ETERNAL with God! Can I get an AMEN?! Eh hmm...But, he did not know, nor had he ever asked because he was being polite (how sweet!). But, he had never asked my children either. So, that got me to thinking. Looking at my SCI strictly from my perspective, I am grateful. There we go with GRatitude again, but I am grateful. However, when I look at it from my children's perspective, my heart sinks and feels a bit sick.

I know that my children are grateful they have me, but they lost so much March 30, 1993. I can spend many strokes of the keyboard delineating each of their losses, but I'm sure you can figure a few of them out for yourselves. I have to admit that when I look at our accident from their eyes I ache on a guttural level. Yes, grateful that they have me, but maybe not as full of gratitude as I am.

My son said it best. I have a different frame of reference than they. Where I had the luxury of knowing life as an able bodied person, all he and my daughter have is the accident to build their perspectives. Honestly, that fact saddened me. I knew that, but I had never had anyone say that out loud. Now, here he was voicing how he felt about it. It can be compared to life before 9/11/01. We all knew what life was like before 9/11, but our children will never experience the same freedom (granted that you are older than 30 years). I know they are grateful I'm alive to be a part of their lives, but may not have the same level of gratitude.

Perspective is relative. Joy is a choice. The ability to find joy in a battered perspective is only accomplished through the grace.

Gratitude is Just Attitude Sprinkled with GRace

2011-01-16T15:28:00.000-08:00

I love New Orleans. I get excited about getting to go to the French Market and Cafe Du Monde. It didn't even matter that the only reason I had to go to the Big Easy was because my doctor moved back there. I say he moved back there because he came to Monroe, LA as a result of Katrina. I needed to see my doctor and as a result I was able to smother my face in a pile of powdery, sugary, goodness and a cup of chicory that was just divine, but not before the Lord gave me an attitude adjustment.

You've heard the joke about the person praying..."Lord, today has been a good day. I haven't cussed, lied, cheated, etc., but in a few minutes I'm gonna get up and get ready for work..." Well, wouldn't you know that I woke up and "Relinquished my day to the Lord" (in spiritual grandiosity) only to start having disruptions in my schedule. I'd like to say that I handled the alterations of my day with GRace, but initially, that was not the case.

Oh no, at first I was flustered because I needed to get on the road. A trip to New Orleans is about a five hour drive and I HAD to get beignets at Cafe Du Monde in the French Market, after all. I had no idea they kept Wal-Mart hours. But as I was taking care of the unexpected delay, I overheard a reporter for the Weather Channel mention the conditions in the flooded areas of Australia. Snap! Snap! "Forgive me Lord for my attitude instead of my gratitude."

We got on the road Thursday at about three o'clock. Oh yes. I was still gonna get those French donuts, but not that day. I just thought it would behoove us to go to the hotel, find a restaurant nearby, and get up early and have coffee and beignets before my appointment. So, that's what we did. We went straight to the hotel and the bellhop sent us to the greatest restaurant! New Orleans Hamburger & Seafood. Awesome! Some of the best seafood I have ever eaten in New Orleans. The fried oysters were fresh and perfect in size. They seasoned them to perfection. Can you say succulent? Oh, and the shrimp! Wow! So fresh...I tell you this to say, that while we were enjoying this wonderful meal, I got sick. We got all of our food to go and headed back to the hotel. I was bummed. When we got back to the hotel, the automatic door on my van wouldn't close. Mom man-handled the door enough that it closed MOST of the way. I just laid hands on the van, prayed, and went straight to bed. As I lay there in some pretty intense pain, I was "poor, pitiful me" until I thought about the warm, plush bed God had provided. Again...Snap! Snap! Gratitude, not attitude!

So again, Friday, I got up and "Relinquished the day to the Lord." It was not my day to begin with, but I just needed to remind myself. The door to the van, you ask? Well, it worked. Beignets? Got 'em! Doctor's appointment? Made it! End of story? Not hardly!

A friend of mine told me to go to Haydel's Bakery and get a king cake for Mardi Gras. So, I went on a wild king cake chase and rear-ended a young lady who subsequently bumped into the guy in front of her. Yep, the ol' domino effect. No one was injured and their vehicles had minor damage (my van had a bit more). Guess what! I had such an attitude of GRatitude!

Adopting GRatitude as your modus operandi doesn't happen automatically. It isn't our nature to find pearls in pain and perils, but God's GRace is sufficient for us in all of life. He may just have to give you (me) an attitude adjustment so that you (I) can recognize His GRace.

Gratitude: Perspective Showered in Grace

2011-01-11T17:48:00.000-08:00

And he hath said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my power is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Cor 12:9 (ASV)

The four months I spent in Ruston were fruitful, both physically and spiritually. Overtime, I grew strong enough to sit up in a wheelchair and regained the use of my arms and to some degree my right leg. My hands never came back and I did't regain full strength of my arms. I was told that I would never walk again. That was like giving me permission to prove the doctors wrong. And, I did. Eventually, with braces I walked, but that was the least of my worries.

Coming to terms with my new body with all the things it was missing was a process that took nearly two years and to some degree is ongoing. As it turns out, my denial about the use of my bladder cost me more than I care to imagine. For the first six months, I would not take any medication for bladder spasms. That resulted in my bladder shrinking down to the size of a tennis ball. Bowel maintenance was quite the shocker, as well. They talked about a "program" that I would need to get on for my bowel maintenance, and that I did. Seeing my "life" as over was exactly the thing I HAD to do. "My life" was over.

I had to mourn the ability to walk, but even more my independence and privacy. My entire world was laid bare. As I mentioned, the first two years were hard. The first year I spent learning how to exist. The second year I mourned my existence. And that, mourning, is exactly what I had to do so that I could move on. At some point, I had to decide whether to I could lie down and die in self-pity or figure out the challenges and experience my new life with an attitude of gratitude.

I remember thinking one day that I was thankful for my new life. What? What was I thinking?! I mean, really. Thankful? Oh, don't misunderstand me. Times were hard. Financially and physically, I was bankrupt, but spiritually I was rich. I understood what Jesus says about His grace. His grace is sufficient for me. It was His grace that took me from a time of mourning to an attitude of gratitude.

Steps

2010-07-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.
Neil Armstrong

Recently, I decided to drag out my braces and walker to start working on walking "for exercise" again. At one time, I was able to walk quite some distance for a quadriplegic, but then I had a second car accident that crushed my "good leg" and thereby shortening it by about two inches. That was in 2005 and I haven't had the heart or courage to try it again since I lost all the muscle tone and length in my right leg.

I was recently told that standing may help with some seemingly unrelated health problems I've been having for the past few years, so I swallowed my pride/fear and dragged out my gear. I had many fears and questions as my daughter, Gabi, was strapping me to my braces. Before I knew it, tears were stinging my eyes, but Gabi's enthusiasm was contagious and I found myself eager to see what, if anything, I was able to do.

My first time standing was euphoric (or maybe that was all the blood leaving my brain, cannot be sure), but it was a great feeling. I could not stand long because my blood pressure bottomed out, so I plopped back down in my chair. We did it again and again. There were no steps that day, but just standing made me have hope. I allowed five years of fear to keep me from experiencing that hope again. Lesson learned!

The next day I decided to try and take a step. It may not have been a universal "Neil Armstrong" step, but it was a personal "Neil Armstrong" step. The next day I tried to take two steps and did. This has spurred me on to getting physical therapy started again.

The moral (or morale) of this story is to not allow fear to steal the hope that is given to us by God. It is in our weaknesses and even insecurities that God's strength is made perfect. Do not allow fear to steal the hopes and dreams you have for your future. It does not matter what your age or stage in life is; secure your hope in God and He will make a way where there seems to be no way.

Second Flight

2010-02-15T16:54:00.000-08:00

Mississippi Methodist Rehabilitation Hospital is one of the best rehabs in the south for spinal cord injuries and I was there...for a minute. Apparently, since I didn't have insurance, they didn't think that was the place for me...until my Aunt Ina put up a LARGE sum of money and my mom and dad put up their property as my "insurance". We all quickly agreed that I needed to be in Louisiana where Medicaid would pay for my rehab, and so, I was airlifted to Northeast Louisiana Rehab Center in Ruston, LA. I'm not positive, but I think I was only their second or third spinal cord injury! Oh well, it turned into a wonderful experience.

The flight to Ruston from Jackson felt like it was from Miami to Seattle. Pain? Oh my word...I was hurting so bad. I was lying on a cot that felt every bit as wide as a 2X4, my arm was in a cast that weighed 30 pounds, and a neck brace that was a foot wide! And...NO PAIN MEDICATION! That was horrific. My precious, precious Mother rode in the helicopter with me and she held my arm up from Jackson to Ruston! No big deal? Well, my mother had had radical surgery in 1985 and does not have a trapezius muscle (among other things). She was in as much pain as I was probably, but that is a mother for you.

My husband and Gabi were still in the hospital in Monroe and I remember the paramedics telling me that we were flying over Monroe. For an instant, I remember thinking, "I want to see my family." I needed to lay eyes on them and see that they were alright, but they did not need to see me. God spared them seeing their mom in such agony! Ches had been discharged and was staying with my dad's brothers and sisters. My dad was staying with Gabi and my husband; just being there for support if nothing else. He came to see me twice while I was in Jackson. The rest of the time he was in Monroe with Gabi until they released her. I am so very thankful for my family. My dad, aunts, and uncles took turns keeping Ches and Gabi while Teddy and I were in the hospital. They were and are a tremendous support system to us.

When we finally arrived in Ruston, the doctor gave me a shot of Valium! Hallelujah! The paramedics on the helicopter with me had called ahead and told them how much pain I was in and the doctor was armed and ready for me! Can you believe they heard me moaning over the whrrr of the helicopter!!! I rested, really rested for the first time that night. I am sure that my mother collapsed as well! The first weekend in Ruston is sketchy for me, because they were very generous to keep me out of pain for a while.

My first helicopter ride took me to a place to get stabilized and my second flight was to take me to a place to grow. Yes..rehab, but I had no idea that my heart and soul were going to be in rehab, as well. I was in Ruston for four months and God "airlifted" my spirit in those four months like I never could have imagined. The real flight was about to begin.

Uncovered

2010-02-15T15:26:00.000-08:00

Spiritually and physically speaking, that day in that hospital room, I was healed! I believe that sincerely. Spiritually, God uncovered my sin and I realized that I couldn't do "life" without Him! Not just my sin though...it was everything that this life throws at you. God wants us to completely rely on Him because we want to. That song by Cheap Trick "I Want You to Want Me", comes to mind when I think of how God wants our relationship with Him to be. I was lying there in that hospital bed, and for the first time I felt the freest I ever have! I understood for the first time just how helpless I was without him! But, as my mother continued reading the card my brother sent, Philippians 4:13 made me realize that ONLY with Christ would I be able to say "I can do all things" and in whatever state I'm in. Paul said it best. He knew what it was like to be on top of the "world" AND scraping the bottom of the barrel, but it did not matter what state he was in. He knew that it was ONLY with Christ that he could endure "life." Paul was in prison for much of his Christian life, but he was freer than the guards that were stationed to keep watch over him! That's precisely how I felt that day! I was captive in a body that wouldn't move, but I was FREE! I was dancing in my spirit, and still do.

After mother finished reading my card to me, the first person I called was my MawMaw (southern for Grandmother). She was my spiritual giant! She and my PawPaw (yep, you guessed it...southern for Grandfather)were the ones that saw to it that I was in church as a child. They instilled in me principle's that I didn't recognize until I became an adult, but their investment in me when I was a child has meant a "world" of difference. When I spoke to Mawmaw, I told her that I had been healed and that I wanted our pastor to call me because I wanted to share it with him, as well. Can you say "dead air?" I was so excited to tell both of them that I had been healed and both of their responses threw me for a loop. Silence. "Hello? Did you hear me? I'm healed!" The old saying that silence is golden...not so much. I expected excitement! Over joyous, "Praise the Lord!" or something! When they did finally respond, which was after my explanation, they were happy. I suppose it was one of those moments that "you just have to be there" for you to really be able to "get it." They were both very happy for me, but they hadn't experienced the freedom that I had just experienced only moments before.

I wish I could say that my years "walking" with my Lord have all been a cake walk, but I can't. I've even gone so far as to reshackle myself! But a promise that I cling to is that God is faithful, even when I'm not. What that means is that He ever changes, so I don't have to guess at His whereabouts, or how He will treat me when I come crawling back on my knees. Oh, and did I mention that He loves you so much that He will do whatever it takes to get your attention? Well, He does that for me, and I am able to take the shackles of guilt and regret back off, because His arms never close! He's always waiting! It is His desire to uncover and expose your sin and weaknesses so that He can cover them with His blood and bring you into total recovery!

Chapter 3 "Whatever It Takes Lord"

2010-02-12T13:00:00.000-08:00

The road to April 8, 1993, actually started on Sunday March 14, 1993. My marriage was in trouble at the time and our definition of "fixing" our problems was to "get back into church." Isn't that just like us humans to think that we can "go" somewhere to fix a problem that does not exist in the natural realm. The only place we really need to go to is our knees and stay there until we "limp." I was guilty of it then and I'm guilty of it to this day. Maybe not as juvenile as I once was, but guilty nonetheless.

So, the story is, we started back to church! That's southern for attending church services. Either way you say it, it is sterile. No room for real growth in just going back to church. But wait! Don't let me lose you just yet! No, going back to church never "fixed" my marriage (we divorced ten years later), but it did plant a seed that began growing that very Sunday!

My pastor preached a sermon from John 21:15-17. Jesus asks Peter three times about his love for Him. The first two times, Jesus asks Peter if he agapao Him and Peter responded that he phileo Him. The third time Jesus asked Peter if he phileo Him and Peter responded that Jesus knew all things and that yes he phileo Him. Jesus knew the state of Peter's heart and he knows the state of ours. My pastor asked the congregation three times if we loved the Lord. By the third time, my pious self was wondering, too. He challenged us to pray everyday that God teach us how to truly love Him. We needed to desire to be taught how to love Him enough to say. "Whatever it takes Lord, teach me to truly love You."

Well, I mentioned before that we were commuting to Monroe from Oak Grove for school and work and that's when I read my Bible and prayed. I began that Sunday night asking God to teach me how to truly love Him. I prayed that everyday and I meant it. I said, "Whatever it takes!". God knew Peter's heart and He knows mine, too. My heart suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder! He knew what it would take to slow me down and get my focus. Some of us are a little more ADHD than others, but all of His children have it. If you are that child that is running to and fro without direction...well, let's just say...He will get your attention one way or another. He does that BECAUSE He loves us, not to punish us. I know that my life would never have been as fulfilling as it is had He not answered my prayer for help. He has taught me many, many things about His love for me and my ability to love Him. So, as it were, I am sitting in my "Whatever it takes."

Chapter 2 The Switch Was Flipped "On"

2010-02-12T12:59:00.000-08:00

The next three or four days was riddled with fever, pain, family, friends, visitors, and a new way of life. Initially, the most disturbing problem was fever. When people see someone in a wheelchair, the most obvious observation is "They can't walk!", but that is really the least of the difficulties, I learned quickly. Bowel management, bladder management, and a host of other things the spinal cord regulates becomes the most urgent problems.

The next week I was treated for an infection because my temperature would not go down and since my temp wouldn't go down, they wouldn't move me to the rehab hospital attached to University hospital. I had the doctors reeling as to where the infection must be. After days of antibiotics and me burning up, we discovered my thermostat in the room was broken and the room temperature was staying up causing my temp to stay up. Apparently, the spinal cord regulates your body's temperature control and ability to sweat, so since the room was hot...so was I. I begged and pleaded to be moved and FINALLY, after blood, "sweat", and tears, they did! That was April the 8th.

April the 8th is not only my dad's birthday, but a birthday of sorts for me, as well. I was lying in the rehab hospital room moving nothing more than my eyes. I wasn't moving them much, because of a migraine, but I was thankful to be in the rehab so I could "start walking"! It had not totally set in just how severe the injury to my cord had been.

Over the course of that week, I received so many cards and letters with words of encouragement. By this time, my brother Kevin, had returned to Raleigh, NC and was sending his own cards and words of encouragement. He and his then fiance, Marsha (now his wife), sent me a card that God used to turn the "lights on" for me. The two scriptures that I experienced as flesh and blood that day were Isaiah 40:31 and Philippians 4:13. You know John 1:14 says that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. I believe that those two scriptures were just that tangible that day. Everything changed at 2:30 in the afternoon on April 8, 1993. Everything! You see, when I was 15 years old, I come to know who God was through Jesus Christ, but April 8, 1993, I come to KNOW Whose I was. There is a difference. I was healed that day from a severed spinal cord, sure, but more importantly, God became intimate to me. I knew Him. I became my Beloved's. I was secure for the first time in my life.

I was saved by grace when I was young, but had never really "walked" in the power of The Resurrected God. I received something that day that has never been too far from me since, and that is His power. Have I had my share of weaknesses? Oh yeah! Have I struggled with things I said I would NEVER struggle with again? Ah, yeah! But do I still have that same power available to me? Definitely! And I can say, that the prayers that were lifted up for me and my family during those so very dark days, illuminated a new way to live life...in the Light!

Fully Aware

2010-02-12T12:57:00.001-08:00

The ride to the hospital is sketchy for me, as I was in and out of consciousness, but I do remember Ches was in the ambulance with me. Looking back at the ride, it seems the ambulance was much larger. I vaguely remember Ches being there with me, except that the paramedic kept reassuring me that he was fine. I mentioned earlier that the roads on the way to Monroe were not all that great, right? Well, as we bumped along at high rates of speed, my oxygen mask kept slipping off of my face and everytime it did, I thought I was going to die. I obviously wasn't able to speak very loud, because I struggled getting the paramedic's attention to put the mask back on. Apparently, the fear I felt was conveyed through my eyes and the paramedic held the mask on for me. That was such a comfort.

When Ches and I made it to the hospital, my husband and Gabi had already arrived and so had many family members. We were spread out all over that emergency room. When they called in the neurosurgeon to look at my CT and MRI, he point blank said, "You need to go to University of Mississippi Hospital where you can get the best surgeon in this area for spinal injury." Well, who was I to argue? I mean, really, I was in no position to say, "I want a second opinion!" So....this meant I would be airlifted to Jackson and my children were left in Monroe.

The flight to Jackson was smooth as far as I can remember, but when we landed! Whew! Those doctor wannabes were all over me like ugly on a monkey! They were trying to "set" my dislocated elbow while I was awake and they were taking me straight to surgery! One sweet little nurse or resident, I honestly am not sure, said, "Can't you wait until she's in surgery to do that?" Bless you young lady (whoever you are!). And, yes, I could feel it. And, yes, that was a good thing.

When I awoke from surgery, the pain was so horrific. They were not giving me pain medicine, because they had not ruled out a brain injury at that point. I tried to tell them my brain was fine, but was about to short circuit without some relief from the pain. I had two children naturally. I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but I don't think people are supposed to live through that kind of physical pain. It was really bad, but they stuck to their guns. Finally, after quite some time they gave me Tylenol 3 with codiene. They should rename that medicine to "itch in a pill!". Oh my word, my mother or whoever was handy stood over me and scratched my ever-loving itching NOSE!

Shortly after waking up from surgery, my mom and my brother, Kevin who lives in Raleigh, NC, came in for the fifteen minute visitation. Ok. Can I just say, in all seriousness, when I saw my brother, I thought I was dead or dying. I knew I must be in bad shape if my brother FLEW in to see me. That just didn't happen. I was crying and begging for some relief, but when I saw Kevin, I asked, "Am I dying?" Kevin had flown in from Raleigh, NC as soon as he was able. He was such a comfort and real source of strengh for my mom and me during that time.

The next few days following the surgery were flooded with medical complications, family, friends, therapists, you name it, I got it. The day that I remember being most cognizant, the head of neurosurgery at the hospital told me I would be paralyzed from my chest down for the rest of my life. Point blank, "You will be in a wheechair for the rest of your life." I don't think they offer "Tact 101" in medical school. But then again, how do you take the sting out of news like that? I guess you "remove" yourself from unplesant news like that when it is your job to deliver devastating information on a routine basis. Nonetheless, it was in the quiet of the nights with mom and other family members that stayed to help that tiny bits of reality began to creep into my awareness. I knew what they were saying. I had just enough medical training to know that a spinal cord injury is a really bad thing.

About the third or fourth night, I remember praying for my children and husband and thinking I would never be able to hold them again. Even now, as I recall that night tears fill my eyes and I can feel the desperation in my chest. I prayed and asked God to please let me at least move my arms so I could hug my babies. My right arm was in a cast from about mid-bicept to my hand and my left arm had just been lifeless. That very night, my nose was itching terribly bad and instintively my left arm went up in the air and fell across my face! God heard AND answered my prayer! I had no control over it, BUT IT MOVED!!!

I have often joked, that I should have prayed that God heal me totally since He was answering my prayers that night. Jesus said we just have to ask and our Father in heaven will give it to us. I am familiar with the verses that say if we ask...believing...in agreement...according to His will...He will grant us our petition! So why am I still rolling around? Why am I still paralyzed? Well, I don't have all the answers to all the hard questions, but I know Who does. March 30, 1993, God began a work in me. He has not completed what He started. I put my faith in the scripture in Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I know Paul was speaking to the brethren at Philippi and that He knew that their faith in Jesus was being perfected, but I know that the scripture is relavant to me today and I believe God began a good work that day in me. Those of you reading this have had tragedies that have stopped you dead in your tracks as well, but you may not see God's hand at work in those dark hours. Believe this...there are many of us who have suffered abuse, illness, and many atrocities and we cannot see the hand of God in our midst, but...He is there. He is in the middle of your world. You may not recognize Him because the situation is ugly and a loving God would NEVER allow such a bad thing to happen...but He does. I know that I have two choices to make. I can either reject Him because I am appalled at the circumstances or I can say, "OK, what is it that You want me to take away from this?" That is about as simple as I can make it to help you understand where I am coming from when I say He started a process that HORRIBLE day, but He has been in the process of shaping and molding me into the child He wants me to be.

The molding and shaping of our character is really what is happening when "life" comes our way with the speed of a jet airplane. I suppose, spiritually, we are more "prepared" at some times more than we are at others, but James 1:2-4 clearly tells us that it is a process. First the trial, then patience, then perfection, and ultimately lacking nothing. Have I arrived? Oh nooo! Am I close? Oh no, I really don't think so. But am I aware? Ahhh, yes. I am awake! I am fully aware of His presence in my life. And it is in Him that I can and have found PERFECT peace. And it is available to you to!

The Jaws of Life

2010-02-12T12:56:00.000-08:00

Lying there limp and nearly lifeless, I was told that my four year old son, Ches, was out of the car walking around when the ambulance arrived. Thankfully, he sustained no physical injuries. Conversely, he saw EVERYTHING. He saw Gabi with blood streaming down her face and her tears as she was in terrific pain from a broken nose and femur. He heard all the moans and saw all the carnage. He suffered from that mental anguish. They call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Gabi, three, was in a body cast for two months, but she was quite tenacious as she learned to walk around in that full-body armor! How precious they were! And, how awesome they are now.

When the ambulance arrived, they realized that I had a neck injury and so did I. I mentioned that I was in clinicals in Radiologic Technology. Our wreck was on a,Tuesday, but on Monday i was working in the emergency room x-ray department. I had just rotated into this area not long before. On Monday morning, there had been a car accident in town and they brought the patient in to have a C-spine clearance. That's x-rays to make sure the c-collar can safely be removed and there are no neck injuries. On Monday, the patient was cleared...on Tuesday, I was the patient and I didn't clear.

I remember telling them not to move me and put a collar on me. I cannot describe the pain. It was so isolated to my neck. I didn't hurt anywhere else. I had a dislocated elbow and broken wrist, but the only pain I felt was in my neck. The closest anology I can give is to imagine being stabbed in the neck with a red-hot poker! Excruciating! The EMT and paramedics were so careful not to move me an inch without securing my neck, but we ran into a snag...my door was smashed shut from the front side. They had to extract me from the car. Can you say Jaws of Life?

Have you ever felt trapped? Either in a situation or in your heart and mind? Isaiah 61:1-3 tells us that Jesus came to set us free. In essence, Christ is your Jaws of Life. Being removed from that crushed vehicle was piercingly painful, I can assure you. If you feel that your life has crashed in around you and you feel no hope, Jesus Christ can pull you out of the wreckage. It will not be easy. It will not be painless, but it will be worth it!

My life Flashed Before My Eyes

2010-02-12T12:54:00.000-08:00

In that moment, that very brief time in the car, as I lay still, I had no idea what I or my family was about to face and Who I was about to face. You know they say your life flashes right before your eyes as you narrowly escape death? Well, in hindsight, I think you reevaluate your life. I know for me, I've been given the blessing of viewing things as temporal.

Life is short, period, dot, end of thought. Why do we waste so much of our time and energy holding grudges and harboring hate in our hearts. The likelihood that you are one of those people with the dreamy childhood is far from what the rest of us experienced. I'd like to deal with this issue first, as it is the most difficult for me to disclose, but I feel it is definitely worth the effort.

Childhood for me is compartmentalized. I led a double life as a small child. In fact, my family led a double life. My father is an alcoholic. He was a practicing alcoholic until July of 1981, and he has been sober since. I had much to forgive him for and God made a way. I was abused for the most of my childhood, but God made a way for me to forgive my abuser. For those of you that grew up with a parent in addiction, abuse, or neglect, I want to assure you that forgiveness can and will come to you if you pray and ask God to give it to you. I am living proof!

The problem with childhood abuse is that it skews your perception of how things are supposed to be. Your friends and their families act much differently than how your family operates and instinctively you know, you KNOW, that something is wrong! When I said that I compartmentalized, I put all the "bad" things that occurred in a box in my mind and shoved it as far back in the recesses as I possibly could and only opened it when I had to deal with "bad" things. Praise be to God that He has taken that "box", opened it with me and has shown me the "pearls" that have developed as a result of the "bad" times as a child. God wants to reveal to you the tiny grains of sand that infiltrated your life; that became irritants and have left you scarred. Open that box and examine the irritant, the abuse, the neglect. God will walk through the process with you if you invite Him to show you how He can use that pearl for His glory.

I think we were able to separate the things happening to us so much so that when we were placed in public, we knew what to say and what not to say. Many of us carried that trait into adulthood. We only let people see that part of us that is "all put together". I say to you, if you are that person, fall on your face before God and trust Him to replace the pain and facade with healing and realness. That's what makes us pliable in His hands. We MUST become like putty in the Master Potter's hand.

So, you ask,"What does all this have to do with the wreck and paralysis?", well, remember I said that when I regained consciousness immediately after the crash and all I heard was the hissing of the engine? I know God protected me from hearing my children crying. He knew that I would not have been able to keep an ounce of sanity had I heard my babies crying. However, they were crying. I was in a rehab hospital for four months following the wreck and one night I awoke to hearing my babies screaming! I know that was God opening a little box in my mind where that had been stored until I could deal with it. At that point, my family was staying with me pretty much all day and night. I knew they were okay now, but God showed me that He spared me that mental anguish of hearing their screams and being helpless to comfort them.

It may be that God was protecting my mind when I was a child just as He did while I lay there in that car. I can't be sure, but what I am sure of is that He has helped me to see the good that has come from being a wounded child. "WHAT?!" I can hear the questions now. Yes, what Satan intended for harm, God has turned to good. And, He'll do it for you, too.

Chapter 1 The Day My World Stopped Turning and Started Rolling

2010-02-12T12:52:00.001-08:00

March 30, 1993 marks the day that my life turned on its ear. That morning as I was getting my day started, I ran a mile for the first time in months as I had been recovering from surgery and had been inactive. It was a cool damp morning, but the run was so invigorating that the elements were of no concern. My then husband, two children (Ches 4 and Gabi 3), and I were living about an hour drive from his work, their part-time daycare, and my school. I was in my clinicals at Northeast Louisiana University for Radiologic Technology. I had just over a year before I was to graduate.

Typically, my children would stay with my mother while we were in Monroe for school and work, but my mother had a dentist appointment in Monroe, so the children were with me. We all left Oak Grove at the same time and when we reached a little intersection where you could turn or go straight and both routes took you to the same place; mom went one way and we went the other. The drive to Monroe from Oak Grove was all rural highways, and mostly substandard roads at that. On this particular day there was an ever so slight mist in the air so the highways were damp, not saturated.

The kids were in the back seat of our small four-door car. I was in the passenger side studying. At my last glance at Ches and Gabi, they were buckled in and I had the automatic shoulder strap in place. At some point I remember my ex-husband making a sound. It was a deep, desperate sound that caught my immediate attention. I looked up in just enough time to see a white flash and try to turn to check on the kids. That's the last thing I remember as an able bodied, independent to a fault, twenty-four year old, young mother.

My next state of consciousness must have been only seconds later, because I heard a loud hissing noise. It was steam off the motors of the little white truck and our little black car that had just collided at a rate of about 55 miles per hour head on. I didn't hear my children crying (then), but I heard my husband moaning and laboring for breath. I think God must have somehow buffered my mind from everything going on around me, because I could not have helped anyone. I lay there, draped over that shoulder strap like a rag doll. The only things moving on me were my eyes and the rise and fall of my chest with shallow respirations. I was paralyzed.

That day marks the beginning of a road of discovery. I discovered just how vulnerable and fragile life is and how awesome and gracious God's power to overcome tragedies is. I'll be sharing God's power to overcome disabilities, mental anguish, abuse, divorce, drug addiction, and lonliness. So...stay tuned.